The Syko Ward

George Carlin. One of the great comedians of all time. Always came up with best comments anywhere. Here are few of my favorites.

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I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
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I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
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I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
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I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
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The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
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The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.
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I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories.
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I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.

Two Hillbillies from Holley walk into the local bar to wash the dust from their throats and grab a beer. They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking about current cattle prices.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, “Kin ya swaller?” The woman shakes her head no. Kin ya breathe?” The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties, and runs his tongue all over her butt cheeks in a circular motion. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.

His partner says, “Ya know, I’d heard of that there hind-lick maneuver, but I ain’t never seen nobody do it.”

You might be from California if……

1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can’t afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child’s 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
5. You can’t remember…is pot illegal?
6. You’ve been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
9. You can’t remember…..is pot illegal?
10. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
11. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
12. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don’t even notice.
14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S&M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
17. You can’t remember…is pot illegal?
18. It’s barely sprinkling rain and there’s a report on every news station about “STORM WATCH 2003.”
19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
20. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
21. It’s barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
22. Hey!!!! Is Pot Illegal????
23. Both you AND your dog have a therapist.